fillum revue 1937

ITS MY BLOG agane woo acherly thats not ecsitin now is it cos i done lots of blogs resuntly

now i thort id do a list cos ive not done a list for a wile cos of OSARMERS blog so i had to think about wot list to do then i thort id do a list of lists i could do in a blog like NUMBER ONE a list of lists NUMBER TWO a list of lists of lists but that wuld get sily like MANDELBROT the infinite german bread*

anyway i dye gress

in fact id have to do a list that peple understand like LIST OF FUNIEST CATS or TOP TEN SLUDGE BANDS or something but cats are two a peny on the intornet and there arnt any sludge bands wotever that is sounds like a job for TOILAT DUCK if you ask me

so therfor i wil do MY FAV FILLUMS cos everyone watches fillums except TONY BLIARS cos he can only watch TOTS TV and thats only as a reward for eting all his REDY BREK

anyway here are my TOP TEN FILLUMS in order of the first one first

1. JORS

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN crikey its the scariest fillum ever made its by steven speelburg he made ET and SHINDLERS LIFT but this one is about sharks and its got ROD STYGER in and RICHERD BREKFUSS

theres a very famus bit where the old seadog is saying i was on the YOO ESS ESS INDIERNAPERLIS when it got stuck on a barnakle then we all fell in the worture and we were there for ages then its the adverts if its on AYE TEE VEE

anyway theres a big ruber shark which is eting all the peple then hiding their bodies in shiprecks so ROY STEIDER has to go and sort it cos hes the polis but the shark is too clever for him and hides in the worture

then it comes back in JORS II SUPERMAN II and makes more money for steven speelburg to spend on lego but unforchernately it doesnt bite ANT AND DECK cos they taste like old newspapers boiled in sloanes liniment

key cuote YORE GOING TO NEED A BIGER BOTE

2. SPARTERCUS

heres an old romern fillum by romantic directer STANLY CUBIC it stars CURT DUGLERS as SPARTERCUS hes a slave that escapes then forms a slave army in serch of better pants until hes defeated by the ROAMERNS in their metal pants thats the march of technolergy for you

SPARTERCUSES speshal seecret wepon is a hole in his chin wich he keeps salt in now in roamern times salt was very preshus you culdnt get a bag od SALT N SHAKE for love nor money but its unforchernat that SPARTERCUS dosent get to use it now if hed been at the batterl of GOWGERMELLER itd have been a difrent story

EN BEE in armenia theres a brand of buter corled SPARTERCUS LITE

key cuote IM SPARTERCUS AND SO ARE ALL MY MATES

3. RED SONYER

somone once told me this is an allergory of the soveeyet invashun of afgannerstan but they mustve been thinking of DIGBY THE BIGEST DOG IN THE WOLD anyway thats by the by

its a big fantersy epic like CRONAN THE BABARIAN CRONAN THE DUSTBUSTER and THE GRAPS OF ROTH its all sords and sorsery its got AHNOLD SHORTSNEGGER and BRIDGET NEELSUN as the woman but ROY STEIGERS not in it cos theres no botes

theres lots of fitin and things and talismans the sort of thing youd ecspect in thatchers britan as it was in the 80s but in the end ineviterbly it finishes with the credits production design by john p rumbled foley grip by alf muton etc

key cuote OW

4. AMERDEYUS

oo this is a bit of cultcher its about MOATSART the orstrian composter he plays the pianer and wears a wig like they all did in those days ecsept TELY SAVARLAS cos he wasnt born yet

anyway its the story of MOATSART and his pretend rival GALTIERI they do batterl on the pianer and MOATSART wins but only cos evryone felt sorry for him cos hes got smorlpocks which he cort off JAY ESS BARKs cat

EN BEE MOATSART ordishunned for THE SOUND OF MUSIC but he didnt get the job cos hed died by then

key cuote NONE COS ITS ALL IN FORREN

5. BRAM STOKERS DRACLIER

its another horer fillum and i dont mean the horer of KEYARNO REVES acting or WINONER RIDERS impy paleface guff i mean its got DRACLIER plaid by GARY OLDMAN hes like GARY NUMAN ecsept he dosent feel safest of all in cars anyway DRACLIER is a vampire he lives on blood black puddens and strorbery juice and hes V SCARY sometimes hes old and sometimes hes young and he can fly and stuff so in the fillum he goes about bitin peple ecsept TOM WAITS who is a nutter then DRACLIER buys an abby in london and sends himself there on a bote full of soil its well nuts

in the end ANTERNY PIPKINS turns up and gets DRACLIER with garlick bred he doesnt like that so he has to go and hibernate till the sekwal its corled JORS III

anyway the hole fillum is like a lot of pichers by ALMER TADEMER and KLIMPT theres even one by ALBREKT DURRER from germerny

key cuote LISTN TO THE CHILDRERN OF THE NITE WHAT SWEET MUSICS THAY MUYKE

6. THE LOST BOYS

its one of the clasic fillums of the 80s its got KEITH SUNDERLAND in it his dad is RONALD SUNDERLAND the star of sport docamentry DONT LOKE NOW but hes not in this hes too old JULIE CRISTY isnt in it neether she was too busy with the towels

anyway its set in americker and theres a bunch of vampires goin round corsing truble like stealing milk and shouting BOO at penshaners until ECO AND THE BUNYMEN turn up and do some singin and make a nice garlick soop in the barth

the best thing about this fillum is THE FROG BROTHURES who are like a modern day BROTHURES KARRERMAZOV ecsept theyre frogs obviously and in any case KEITH SUNDERLAND gets it in the end even tho hes the star of the fillum now theres a thing

key cuote MIKAL MIKAL MIKAL MIKAL

7. WORTERLOO

this time its NAPOLEYON played by ROD SHEIDER who was the main one in JORS he goes about on a hoss and orders NAY SOOLT GROUCHY and MOORAT about and WELINGTON has a tea party but its spoilt by LORD LUKERN or someone so he has to go out and biff the french instead

its about the batterl of WORTERLOO in 1518 ecsept with BLOOSHER insted of SOOVOROV its very confusing anyway NAPOLEYON had done lots of batterls at OSTERLEY YANER BORRERDINO and LIPEZIG and won all of them despite BERNADOT and his oily curls

at the end JENERAL BLOOSHER turns up late cos he culdnt find the right house like an albanian tacksy driver IS THIS WORTERLOO yes it is now get fitin and wotch those bayernets they are very sharp you culd have someones eye out with that good thing NELSONs not here then he hasnt got many to spare

finaly NAPOLEYON carks it yeres later of tropical piles serves him right for being such a jumped up grumpy midget

EN BEE theres a stashun named after WORTERLOO its called DIDCOT PARKWAY

key cuote BANG

8. ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WETS

this is the longest fillum ever apart from THE LARST EMPERER which is also the longest fillum ever anyway ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WETS has got all the grate holywood stars in like MR BRONSON HENRY FONDER JASON ROBERTS and CLAUDIA CARDINALY ecsept her actin is duff but shes nice to look at

basicly not much happens and nobody torks except MR BRONSON hes got all the best one liners like DID YOU BRING A HOSS FOR ME and he plays the harmonicker in the dust then shoots HENRY FONDER

its got something to do with raleways but thank god not THE RALEWAY CHILDREN mutter mutter

key cuote THERE ISNT ANY TORKING

9. WARE EGLES DARE

gosh if this isnt the most ecsitin fillum of all time then i dont kno what is its got the NARZIS in it theyre quite poplier in fillums orltho theyre not reely popular cos they did murders and war and himlers glasses etc but anyway in this fillum they get A RIGHT KICKING from CLINT EASTWOODS and RICHERD BURTONS and INGRID PITT THE YOUNGER theres lots of snow and duble crossing and ANTON DIFRING with his sily jerman acsent saying BUT ZIS IS PREPOSTERUS

theres a grate bit where theyre all on a cablecar and fite eech other with icepicks like LEE ON TROTSKY

EN BEE its the only fillum in wich CLINT EASTWOODS dosent ware a cowboy hat and shoot JEAN HACKMAN

key cuote BRORDSORD CORLING DANY BOY

10. THE SOUND OF MUSIC

agane its a STANLY CUBIC epic its an adaptalashun of the book by JORJET HAYER but this ones got the NARZIS in agane they dont like singin ecsept that granny jazz number ADOLF HITLERS LEEBLINGSBLUMER IS DAS SHICHTER AYDELVICE anyway this fillum is about JULIAN DREWS and some kids who defeat the narzis by singin at them

its epeshally notewerthy for the lovely views of ORSTRIA and the clasic old songs like DOH A DERE MY FAVRIT THINGS and ANERKY IN THE YOO KAY

key cuote CLIME EVRY MOUNTERN FORD EVRY STREEM


and at number nort the rubishest fillum of all time

0. THE RALEWAY CHILDRERN

good lord what a bunch of nocshush pigs burp its the vishooal ekwiverlent of wotching paint dry then spilin worter on it an wotching that dry too id rather eat my own nose than wotch this tepid edwordian pap tho the single redemeing feecher is BERNERD CRIBINS is in it but beyond that its a pile of mot de cambron**

key cuote I WISH I WASNT IN THIS FILLUM ITS RUBISH



from this lists i can dror some conclushuns like wot things shud go in fillums if they want to be poplier and a bots offis sellout

NARZIS prefrably on the bisness end of a thumping
SINGIN but not FRANK SINARTRER hes orful
GARLICK just in case
SORDS espeshaly ones with fake blud to fool DRACLIER
SALT and a speshal chin hole to keep it in
FITIN of any sort ecsept QUEUENSBERY RULES thats dull
BITIN by sharks or vampires
MOATSART on the soundtrack
NO RALEWAY CHILDRERN this ones important for the sukses of yore fillum
ORSTRIA all fillums are made here ecsept the DA VINSHY COD wich was made in an old sack and by crikey it shows



* imagin what wuld happen if you put it in DAGDERS CORLDRON thatd make you shout HOT MUSTERD FILLET all right

** see WORTERLOO