lord rochisters munkle

hello internt blogers i hav had wot is knone as a HIGH ATUS

sins i started doing a blog in twolfth hunderd and two there hav bin meny changes and i am now a ofishul elder staytesmunkle of bloging internet blogs and blogspots

just so you can catch up with wot has haperned sins i was away here is a list of things wich hav hapened sins i was away

1. THE FRANKO PRUSHERN WOR started by EMILY ZOLA the midget footballer and her mate MADAM BOVINARY

2. A CURIOUS DOG DID IT IN THE NIGHTTIME i dont know wot it did but i spect it might hav been something liquid in the corner

3. HAROLD WILSONs hat was sold on ebay for furpence and a stick of maltese rock

4. PRINCES DIANER it was her tenth anerversary of PARIS TEXAS staring HARDY IAN STANSHUN

5. A CAT GOT IN THE WINDO then it got out again like an ant in a hots bath

6. SOME COMPERTER DISCS went mising from the natural ordit orfice an now everyone in the wold is at the mersy of VILLANS CROOKS THIEVES and BARY CHUCKLE in fact the discs are the wolds only copy of MARTINE McITCHINGs new album MY CLEETHORPES DESTINY so nobody should wory you herd it here first

7. AMERICKER INVADED IRAQ praps theyd already don that one but i wouldnt put it past them to hav forgoten and done it again like a bunch of gusset

8. TERRY WOGANS PANTS were on the tely on PANTS ON VIEW he got 8/10 for effort

9. THERE WAS A FISH in the percolater

10. LOVELY MEAT

its a best sellar in rusher you know

THE COSMICK PINCUSHERN OF LEN IBIS

publised by PENGWEN BOKES
orthored by PEANUT



CHAPTUR ONE


it was the ortem time

leves wer forling hevily from the trees and len ibis was bemoning the fact that hed put on the trousis with the hessian gusset

gosh they itched like a flaky spidure doin the riverdance on sandpapure

as len kicked his scratchy way throgh the leefy brownsness of ortem time he wonderd if thered ever be a time when ther were no itchy trousis

(his other trousis were made from wul from wiry norweejen sheep ow ow)

in the musty twylight len shufled down the street past MRS GROBLYSTICKs cobwebby fifty room manshon which loomed up at him like a yorning grey gool

harfway down the rode len spoted a man sitting at an artists eesel

on his back ther was a notise wich sed

J AKTINSON GYMSHOE

WIL DROR ORTUMNAL STREETS FOR MONEY

TEL 0870 240 5599

len thort it was cleerly too dark to do any drorings of ortem and the man was obvyersley a frord and a newsance and in any case len hadnt any spare money as hed spent it on ingreedients

for yeers len had been experminenting with esoterick shernanigerns and had acumerlated a varst colection of mistickal objects orl with vareed and interlesting orijens

he had an alkemickal astrophaje from vienner and a postilior captivashun device from the holey romern empire compleat with instruckshern manuel and spare gnord

he had a lump of blavatskys figleytobis wich was sed to come from venus and a smorl jar of atlantis jely which he bort from a travling monk in buda pest in eighteen twenty fore

in a perticlerlarly memrabel ocashun len had won the lejendery goliath of gaths mantelpeace in a game of poker with archjook ermbert of prusher who was so angry he fell in his own sock drawer and had to be rescued with tongs

lens latest addishun was a three-part monotophonick dispotometer from baltimore wich he had reseeved in a round robbin crismus letter adressed to next dore but theyd gone away to kent for the winter so len got it insted

orl these things an more is what len corled his ingreedients because it would soon be the time when they would be ingreediented into something

something outrayjus

something majical

something TERABEL

etang de coucou

i done a LIMERICK it goes thus

there onse was a nomad whose hut
was made out of BIG DADYs gut
his frends said COR BLIMY
THIS INTEREEORS SLIMY
and sinse then hes lived in a nut

the end copyrite mcmlxivixic bbc coler

crab pickle daily

YES its me

i bet you carnt gess where ive been for so long well ill tell you ive been exackly knowhere but while i was there i done orl sorts of THINKIN

i speshaly have bin thinkin about ritin a BOKE wich is esy its just a long list of words etck

but then i had truble with the title so i dun a survey of myself and these are the titles i cam up with and a smorl sinopsis of wots in it


THE ARTHOORIAN BEETROTE

this is a popler sciense boke its about how the betrote was invented by KING ARTHER and his table then its the histry of it after that its intersting if you like veg


THE COSMICK PINCUSHERN OF LEN IBIS

len ibis is a time travler he gets about by presing pins in his pincushon he goes to the BATLE OF AGINCORE and PURL ARBOUR and OSWALD MOSLEYS TAILOR then comes back for his tea


HOW TO MAKE A FIG

this is a manuel of figmaking thats it reely mind you theres lots of pichers


ORTHERBIOGRAFY OF HELEN DANIELS

its the biogrerphfy of UN sercrertry generule HELEN DANIELS the sucesor to DAN HAMMERSCOLD whose gone off to join the circus she likes to say how she saved the wold from the wisdom of fools and other importernt homilys


TEST MATSCH SPESHAL

its a short histry of SOTH AFRICKER during the RUSHAN REVERLUSHUN of 1804 its almost as long as WOR AND PEAS the boke that never ends it just goes to the begining again thats the trouble with LENARD TOYSTOOL and his cyclickal epicks


HUMATO

this is a sciense fickshun about a half man half potato who lives in orkny i think it might be like a comick like COMARNDO or WIZZER AN CHIPS or JOHN GRISHERM praps hell be a superhero like JENY AGUTTER the orstralian nudist


A LORRY ON RUTLAND WORTURE

is a MUDER MISTRY SUSPENCE like PATRISHER CORNWALL the loony riter but this ones about a misterious murder that causes suspence for evryone in rutland worture they find a boddy in SAFEWAYS in the freezer by the LINDER MCARTNY SOSAGES and foul play is suspected by local detetive MAUD HOBSBAWM


JOHN WESLEY WAS A KETLEMAN

this is an ackerdemic histry of JON WESLY the famus metherdist wetherman who lived in a speshal house with no windose so he couldnt be tempted by ORDRY HEPBERN who kept singin outside like a waify siren


A BOKE ABOUT FROOPS

its a picher book feechering BANANURES mostly


DAIRY OF SIMON TEMPLER*

wow its about the templers nobodys written about them before in fact im surprised there isnt a boke called NODDY AND THE TEMPLERS by ENOCH BLYTON


HALF OF JEFREY ARCHERS PANTS

this is the seekwal to the first half of jefrey archers pants wich is almost just about as interesting mind you it feechers SIGERNY WEEVER as LENNY REFERSTAL



so you see the predickerment i am curently in but one of my mor pressing conserns is how to get my boke at the top of GOGLE SERCH wich is like the top ten pop charts of things on the intornet if anyones got any idears send them to INSTITUTE FOR COTTON 3 MAVIS AVENUE NORTH LANCASHIRE BELGIUM


* later i found out it had orlready bin writen by guffy liar DAD BROWN

fillum revue 1937

ITS MY BLOG agane woo acherly thats not ecsitin now is it cos i done lots of blogs resuntly

now i thort id do a list cos ive not done a list for a wile cos of OSARMERS blog so i had to think about wot list to do then i thort id do a list of lists i could do in a blog like NUMBER ONE a list of lists NUMBER TWO a list of lists of lists but that wuld get sily like MANDELBROT the infinite german bread*

anyway i dye gress

in fact id have to do a list that peple understand like LIST OF FUNIEST CATS or TOP TEN SLUDGE BANDS or something but cats are two a peny on the intornet and there arnt any sludge bands wotever that is sounds like a job for TOILAT DUCK if you ask me

so therfor i wil do MY FAV FILLUMS cos everyone watches fillums except TONY BLIARS cos he can only watch TOTS TV and thats only as a reward for eting all his REDY BREK

anyway here are my TOP TEN FILLUMS in order of the first one first

1. JORS

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN crikey its the scariest fillum ever made its by steven speelburg he made ET and SHINDLERS LIFT but this one is about sharks and its got ROD STYGER in and RICHERD BREKFUSS

theres a very famus bit where the old seadog is saying i was on the YOO ESS ESS INDIERNAPERLIS when it got stuck on a barnakle then we all fell in the worture and we were there for ages then its the adverts if its on AYE TEE VEE

anyway theres a big ruber shark which is eting all the peple then hiding their bodies in shiprecks so ROY STEIDER has to go and sort it cos hes the polis but the shark is too clever for him and hides in the worture

then it comes back in JORS II SUPERMAN II and makes more money for steven speelburg to spend on lego but unforchernately it doesnt bite ANT AND DECK cos they taste like old newspapers boiled in sloanes liniment

key cuote YORE GOING TO NEED A BIGER BOTE

2. SPARTERCUS

heres an old romern fillum by romantic directer STANLY CUBIC it stars CURT DUGLERS as SPARTERCUS hes a slave that escapes then forms a slave army in serch of better pants until hes defeated by the ROAMERNS in their metal pants thats the march of technolergy for you

SPARTERCUSES speshal seecret wepon is a hole in his chin wich he keeps salt in now in roamern times salt was very preshus you culdnt get a bag od SALT N SHAKE for love nor money but its unforchernat that SPARTERCUS dosent get to use it now if hed been at the batterl of GOWGERMELLER itd have been a difrent story

EN BEE in armenia theres a brand of buter corled SPARTERCUS LITE

key cuote IM SPARTERCUS AND SO ARE ALL MY MATES

3. RED SONYER

somone once told me this is an allergory of the soveeyet invashun of afgannerstan but they mustve been thinking of DIGBY THE BIGEST DOG IN THE WOLD anyway thats by the by

its a big fantersy epic like CRONAN THE BABARIAN CRONAN THE DUSTBUSTER and THE GRAPS OF ROTH its all sords and sorsery its got AHNOLD SHORTSNEGGER and BRIDGET NEELSUN as the woman but ROY STEIGERS not in it cos theres no botes

theres lots of fitin and things and talismans the sort of thing youd ecspect in thatchers britan as it was in the 80s but in the end ineviterbly it finishes with the credits production design by john p rumbled foley grip by alf muton etc

key cuote OW

4. AMERDEYUS

oo this is a bit of cultcher its about MOATSART the orstrian composter he plays the pianer and wears a wig like they all did in those days ecsept TELY SAVARLAS cos he wasnt born yet

anyway its the story of MOATSART and his pretend rival GALTIERI they do batterl on the pianer and MOATSART wins but only cos evryone felt sorry for him cos hes got smorlpocks which he cort off JAY ESS BARKs cat

EN BEE MOATSART ordishunned for THE SOUND OF MUSIC but he didnt get the job cos hed died by then

key cuote NONE COS ITS ALL IN FORREN

5. BRAM STOKERS DRACLIER

its another horer fillum and i dont mean the horer of KEYARNO REVES acting or WINONER RIDERS impy paleface guff i mean its got DRACLIER plaid by GARY OLDMAN hes like GARY NUMAN ecsept he dosent feel safest of all in cars anyway DRACLIER is a vampire he lives on blood black puddens and strorbery juice and hes V SCARY sometimes hes old and sometimes hes young and he can fly and stuff so in the fillum he goes about bitin peple ecsept TOM WAITS who is a nutter then DRACLIER buys an abby in london and sends himself there on a bote full of soil its well nuts

in the end ANTERNY PIPKINS turns up and gets DRACLIER with garlick bred he doesnt like that so he has to go and hibernate till the sekwal its corled JORS III

anyway the hole fillum is like a lot of pichers by ALMER TADEMER and KLIMPT theres even one by ALBREKT DURRER from germerny

key cuote LISTN TO THE CHILDRERN OF THE NITE WHAT SWEET MUSICS THAY MUYKE

6. THE LOST BOYS

its one of the clasic fillums of the 80s its got KEITH SUNDERLAND in it his dad is RONALD SUNDERLAND the star of sport docamentry DONT LOKE NOW but hes not in this hes too old JULIE CRISTY isnt in it neether she was too busy with the towels

anyway its set in americker and theres a bunch of vampires goin round corsing truble like stealing milk and shouting BOO at penshaners until ECO AND THE BUNYMEN turn up and do some singin and make a nice garlick soop in the barth

the best thing about this fillum is THE FROG BROTHURES who are like a modern day BROTHURES KARRERMAZOV ecsept theyre frogs obviously and in any case KEITH SUNDERLAND gets it in the end even tho hes the star of the fillum now theres a thing

key cuote MIKAL MIKAL MIKAL MIKAL

7. WORTERLOO

this time its NAPOLEYON played by ROD SHEIDER who was the main one in JORS he goes about on a hoss and orders NAY SOOLT GROUCHY and MOORAT about and WELINGTON has a tea party but its spoilt by LORD LUKERN or someone so he has to go out and biff the french instead

its about the batterl of WORTERLOO in 1518 ecsept with BLOOSHER insted of SOOVOROV its very confusing anyway NAPOLEYON had done lots of batterls at OSTERLEY YANER BORRERDINO and LIPEZIG and won all of them despite BERNADOT and his oily curls

at the end JENERAL BLOOSHER turns up late cos he culdnt find the right house like an albanian tacksy driver IS THIS WORTERLOO yes it is now get fitin and wotch those bayernets they are very sharp you culd have someones eye out with that good thing NELSONs not here then he hasnt got many to spare

finaly NAPOLEYON carks it yeres later of tropical piles serves him right for being such a jumped up grumpy midget

EN BEE theres a stashun named after WORTERLOO its called DIDCOT PARKWAY

key cuote BANG

8. ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WETS

this is the longest fillum ever apart from THE LARST EMPERER which is also the longest fillum ever anyway ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WETS has got all the grate holywood stars in like MR BRONSON HENRY FONDER JASON ROBERTS and CLAUDIA CARDINALY ecsept her actin is duff but shes nice to look at

basicly not much happens and nobody torks except MR BRONSON hes got all the best one liners like DID YOU BRING A HOSS FOR ME and he plays the harmonicker in the dust then shoots HENRY FONDER

its got something to do with raleways but thank god not THE RALEWAY CHILDREN mutter mutter

key cuote THERE ISNT ANY TORKING

9. WARE EGLES DARE

gosh if this isnt the most ecsitin fillum of all time then i dont kno what is its got the NARZIS in it theyre quite poplier in fillums orltho theyre not reely popular cos they did murders and war and himlers glasses etc but anyway in this fillum they get A RIGHT KICKING from CLINT EASTWOODS and RICHERD BURTONS and INGRID PITT THE YOUNGER theres lots of snow and duble crossing and ANTON DIFRING with his sily jerman acsent saying BUT ZIS IS PREPOSTERUS

theres a grate bit where theyre all on a cablecar and fite eech other with icepicks like LEE ON TROTSKY

EN BEE its the only fillum in wich CLINT EASTWOODS dosent ware a cowboy hat and shoot JEAN HACKMAN

key cuote BRORDSORD CORLING DANY BOY

10. THE SOUND OF MUSIC

agane its a STANLY CUBIC epic its an adaptalashun of the book by JORJET HAYER but this ones got the NARZIS in agane they dont like singin ecsept that granny jazz number ADOLF HITLERS LEEBLINGSBLUMER IS DAS SHICHTER AYDELVICE anyway this fillum is about JULIAN DREWS and some kids who defeat the narzis by singin at them

its epeshally notewerthy for the lovely views of ORSTRIA and the clasic old songs like DOH A DERE MY FAVRIT THINGS and ANERKY IN THE YOO KAY

key cuote CLIME EVRY MOUNTERN FORD EVRY STREEM


and at number nort the rubishest fillum of all time

0. THE RALEWAY CHILDRERN

good lord what a bunch of nocshush pigs burp its the vishooal ekwiverlent of wotching paint dry then spilin worter on it an wotching that dry too id rather eat my own nose than wotch this tepid edwordian pap tho the single redemeing feecher is BERNERD CRIBINS is in it but beyond that its a pile of mot de cambron**

key cuote I WISH I WASNT IN THIS FILLUM ITS RUBISH



from this lists i can dror some conclushuns like wot things shud go in fillums if they want to be poplier and a bots offis sellout

NARZIS prefrably on the bisness end of a thumping
SINGIN but not FRANK SINARTRER hes orful
GARLICK just in case
SORDS espeshaly ones with fake blud to fool DRACLIER
SALT and a speshal chin hole to keep it in
FITIN of any sort ecsept QUEUENSBERY RULES thats dull
BITIN by sharks or vampires
MOATSART on the soundtrack
NO RALEWAY CHILDRERN this ones important for the sukses of yore fillum
ORSTRIA all fillums are made here ecsept the DA VINSHY COD wich was made in an old sack and by crikey it shows



* imagin what wuld happen if you put it in DAGDERS CORLDRON thatd make you shout HOT MUSTERD FILLET all right

** see WORTERLOO

OSARMERS BIN GARDEN

here i am to do a blog agen it is about a thort i had wile i was idly munshing on NUPS in the barth this morning

anyway i was just thinking wot would OSARMER BIN LARDENs blog go like i think it would go like this its almost a list and you know lists etc etc etc

DAY ONE

today ive put up a poster of WILLY NELSON in my cave thanks to the speshal red cross parsel i found in the mounterns

DAY TOO

my male order IN-CAVE DIALLERSIS MASHINE arrived from EEBAY it is grate and shiny i will give good feedback a plus plus recomended then i will plug it in and away we go next i want to get GEE TEE AY SAM ANDREAS to run on it

DAY THREE

poo my cave has NO SOKETS so i cant plug it in

DAY FORE

feel a bit kweesy today have had to resort to FISHER PRISE PULL-ALONG DIALLERSIS MACHINE now i will have a lie down and think about CARREL VORDEMAN and her det consolerdashun lones

DAY FIVE

americkerns bommed outside but missed agane but now there is another hole i will keep my peas in it innit

DAY SICKS

have found out LORD LUKERN is living in next cave so i wil go round for tea tomorow and ask who done his SOKETS

DAY SEVEN

went round LORD LUKERNS to wotch telly i am very poplier on AL BBC WAHED then i watched the WOLD CUP if i was in the WOLD CUP id carry the borl on my turban and shoot anyone who got near

DAY ATE

LORD LUKERNS got SATERLITE BROADBEAN instorled the git

DAY NINE

went round LORD LUKERNS to play WOLD OF WARTCRAFT i am a levl 96 ninja i have a speshal bat its got +75% damidge agenst TROLS

DAY TEN

have moved into LORD LUKERNS cave cos hes gone mising agen i hope he doesnt come back cos hes got loads of grovy stuff like the SONNY PEE ESS THREE but theres a weerd box in the back cave with SHERGARS HAY ritten on it i dunno wot that is

DAY ELEVEN

woke up and found it was all a dream like BOBY EWING and in fact i am still in my presidenshal sweet at the COPTHORN in WOKINGERM where i have been hiding for the parst five yeers

DAY NINTEY FORE

nobody done a coment on my blog so i deleeted it

the wold cup

hello evybody ITS MY BLOG woohoo ive not done a blog for ages again mainly cos of bein busy with NUPS BANANURES TREECLE and the like

anyway ive bin watching the FOOTBORL WOLD CUP bein held in germerny the home of SOSERJES NEETCHER GERTHER and BEE EMM WWW the car for idjits ive seen all the games so far and the winner is COSTER REEKER probably

so i thort id treet you lucky peple to my ORL TIME WOLD CUP TEEM cos thats topickal and also a list and lists are wot go on blogs as we hav seen previusly in the parst

1. DANNY INVINCIBLE

hes invincible like greek striker ACKILLEES aprt from he cant backheel it cos hed die but now he plays for KILLMARNOCK the top side in the swedish ninth division home of all the best strikers like ALI MCHOIST DAVID GERNOLER and dimunitive indonesian hitman FERENK PUSCAT

2. GORDN BANKS

yes its banks in gole hes the only man to stop a gole from PELLY when he did that amazin save once then he became DAVID SEAMERN and let in that gole from RONALDIBINHO the toothy brazilian at WOLD CUP two oh oh two but anyway BANKS is aparently the best goley ever im not sure about that i think JIM LEYTON wuld give him a run for his money

3. GEORGE WEEEEEEEEEAH

hes world striker of the year 19723 or something evry time he scores he shouts WEEEEEEEEEEEEE thats how he got his name his reel last name is PIPKINS he got it out of a catalog it was just after the shoes on page 98

4. RONALDONHININHOBINHO

hes the best striker on the planet aparently apart from EMIL HESKY wen hes not on the ground faking he never used to be the best striker that was RIVALDO with the concave face but when that painful ball hit him in the toe at WOLD CUP two oh oh two he was never the same agen and had to go to an asilum for nuts footborlers where he met GAZZER and CARLOSS VALDERAMANAMAN and his burst sofa hair

5. PELLY

well what can you say hes scored more goles than the rest of the world put together except PETER CROUTCH and now he is an ambasader for footborl for the entire universe and if anyone needs a president for their country then PELLY is goin spare and wuld be the idearl canderdate cos of his amazing awarness in front of gole and eckernomic policy and that stuff he could teech TONY BLIARS a thing or two like how to kick himself in the bum

6. JARZEENO

JARZEENO is the only man to do something about scorin goals in every goal or something wich is a fine acheevement for someone whos reely only a head and a two colour one at that he played for the grat brazil teem of 1870 that was so good it won the criket as well

7. THEO WORLCOT

yes hes only litle and has never played footborl before but by criky hes good he can run and kick the ball and what more can you ask for in any caase hes well better than OWEN HARGREEVES the forgoten moskeeto man of BUYERN MUNICK who plays for ENGLERND even tho hes not from round here THATS IT GIVE THE BALL AWAY AGAN HARGREEVES do that agen and youll get substertuted for WORLCOT the baby faced asasin

8. PARLO MOULDINI

hes the oldest man in footborl with more caps than an eight-kneed elephant hes played agenst all the grates like PELLY STANLEY MATHEWS WG GRACE and TED BOVIS of albania and never done a foul or a yellow card like GARRY LINKENER the gole-hanging crisp speshalist

9. RENE HIGUITAR

hes part hair part scorpion hes famus for kicking the borl then giving it away to ROGER MILLER king of the road but still if it wos up to me id have a teem of eleven RENE HIGUITARS with one spare one in case a cake got on the pitch

10. ST ANTERNY OF PADUA

heres ST ANTERNY OF PADUA the famus NEWCARSTLE midfeeler he scored all the goles in ITALEEYER NINETY while GAZZER wept sweatily into his shurt and DAVID PLAT scored agenst BELJAM evrybody scores agenst BELJUM espeshaly MARERDONER whos not in this list we shull see why tomorrer i hope unles i go on an extendeled blog sabatickal like just recently

11. PAK DOO IK

hes NORTH COREEYERs player of the year for 1949 when he won against ITERLY champinons of the werld at the time thanks to DINO ZOFF the goalie wart remover but then PAK DOO IK came along and it was curtans for ITERLY they had to go home like ROBERT O'BADGIO in YOO ESS AY 94 when he put it over the bar wile tryin to score against brazilean goley TAFFARELL who is named after a dutch tofee

12. PEANUT (sub)

yes i know its bad form to pick yorself but brain-free goldenboy DAVID BECKAM done it an he even picked GARY NEVIL for good ness sake anyway id pick myself to come on in the 70th minit an score a load of goles then id celebrate by havin a BANANURE like MARCO TARDELI then id stop and have some NUPS